A couple weeks ago, I was just driving along, minding my own business when, in the course of blindly following the car in front of me, I found myself drifting through a red light. One of those obnoxious intersection cameras found me, too, and took a rather unflattering photo of the front end of my car, and me inside it, squinting over the steering wheel. It did not, naturally, capture the part where I realized what I was doing and put the car in reverse, backing up behind the white line. It did, naturally, put me into the system so I could fined for $350.
That�s three hundred and fifty dollars, for those of you rubbing your eyes and believing it couldn�t possibly be right, as did I. No one DIED, you guys! Why am I being charged so much money for this? My options, in case you�re curious, are phrased on the back of the �ticket� in such a way that they amount to a) admit I�m wrong and pay the money, accepting that this will be forever on my criminal record, b) pay the money and ask to go to traffic school (!), c) protest my innocence and pay the money, or d) say it wasn�t me behind the wheel in the first place and, you guessed it, pay the money. There is a underlying theme here of �paying the money� that has me itching for a fifth option of e) come down to City Hall, shoot up the joint, and go to prison. And pay the money.
You can burn in hell, West Hollywood. I don�t have that kind of money, you guys. I don�t mean to be all whiny about finances or anything, but the fact of the matter is that I�m extremely unemployed. Sure, I�m getting the sporadic unemployment check, but since they based my stipend on how much I made during my last week of employ, and since my last day at work was a Wednesday, I�m not getting JACKSHIT. And I�m in debt, too, y�all. I lived a really frugal existence in 2004, and actually managed to claw my way out of the biggest deficit of my life, but it took me twelve fucking months! The last two months, with birthdays and moving expenses and unemployments, have put me so far in the red I�m in a part of the spectrum only snakes can see. And now West Hollywood wants me to pay them $350 for almost accidentally going through a red light.
To be fair, I did go almost halfway into the intersection before I stopped, and that really takes some doing, but this is horseshit. Even if I try to defend myself, I�m still out three hundred and fifty bones, and in case I haven�t mentioned it yet? I don�t really have that to spend at the moment. Actually, I technically can, just a little. As part of our �please get the fuck out of the building� settlement with the new building owner, May Day and I each received some money. I�ve spent some of it on furnishings for the new place, but if I stop right now, I might be able to pay this ticket. Excuse me, it�s not a �ticket�. This is BAIL MONEY. Because I�m a CRIMINAL.
I guess I shouldn�t have been raping that family of four as I drove through the red light, snorting coke off the dashboard and stabbing a nun in the face with a rusty spike while simultaneously committing high treason, huh? I�m surprised I didn�t just get the death penalty. Although now that I have to stop eating for a while to pay this off, we�ll see how it affects my longevity. We�ll also see how it affects my love life. I have a Not Boyfriend to consider, West Hollywood! I�ll be loads of fun:
Clyde: We should go out to a nice dinner!
Me: Sure. I�ll just pack some of this celery in a bag so I have something to eat, too!
Three hundred and fifty big ones is a lot of skipped dinners, you guys. I mean, I�m luckier than a lot of people, and I know it, but I�m still going to be a massive drag for a long time. I�m also going to be paying that lovely �minimum amount due� on my credit card for a while. Good thing the rent on the new apartment is lower.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: �I gave my boyfriend a handjob� [Another visit from an old classic!] I�m Watching: 24. Why did Audrey suddenly turn into the office busybody the second Michelle arrived? I�m Saving Money By: Giving up my weekend trips to the Coffee Bean. Sigh.