All right, what the fuck is going on here? I demand answers! The Dread Carmen Rasmusen is still on American Idol! And what�s more than that, she wasn�t even in the bottom three last night! I don�t understand this, I really don�t. I mean, I�m sitting here, and I can tell I�m not technically in Hell, since the blood shooting out of my ears would indicate I still have a pulse (for the time being), so I really don�t get how she�s not on the bus back to Utah right now! I�m not asleep, because my night terrors are typically about stuff like the nuclear holocaust or getting buried alive �- things with less long-term consequences than being subjected to The Dread Carmen�s �musical� �stylings�.
But seriously, I want to know, and I want to know right the FUCK now, who the hell voted for Carmen??? Was it you? Was it you? You at the PC! Don�t think I don�t see you hiding behind that report right now! You voted for Carmen, didn�t you, you dirty puckerhole?! WHY? Why would you do such a thing???
You know, it�s not like Osama bin Laden is watching this program, or anything. He�s not the one who�s going to suffer from The Dread Carmen Rasmusen�s ear-grating persistence! Dude, your mom might be watching this show! Don�t you love your mom??? Why would you do this to your own mother?!?! The poor woman is lying on the floor of her sitting room in Boca Raton, crying her eyes out because you obviously don�t love her anymore. Shame on you! Shame!
Someone needs to call Mulder and Scully right the hell now, because this is an X-File! Carmen has got to be in league with the dark arts or something; it�s the only feasible explanation. She�s probably got some bewitched amulet made out of chicken bones, or a circle of voodoo priestesses somewhere put a hex on us all and are subjecting us to The Dread Carmen through the use of some kind of enchanted poppet with blonde hair extensions. How, otherwise, could she consistently avoid justice like this?
Last season, Nikki McKibbin took a lot of flack because she just wasn�t as polished a performer as many of her fellow contestants. Her voice had a much rougher quality, and she was plagued by frequent pitch problems. Compared to The Dread Carmen, however, Nikki sounds like Lena Horne. In fact, if Nikki was Lena Horne, Carmen would be a fucking car horn! You know, one that got stuck when you were in a head-on collision with a cement mixer that caused your face to smash into the steering wheel. She sounds like feedback! She�s not good, you guys. She�s really not good at all.
I�m really at a loss to either explain this or understand it. I mean, regardless of her tone problems, Nikki was still very charismatic. Carmen just blows! Last season, Nikki�s constant inclusion in the bottom three without ever being cut from the show became kind of a running gag, but I find nothing funny about Carmen�s endurance. I swear the producers are monkeying with the results anyway, for fear that their beloved Carmen might get the axe if it�s actually left up to the public (who, incidentally, are the ones expected to spend their theoretical money on the winner�s product).
Have you noticed the way the producers try to shove her in our faces every week? She�s always featured in the group sings, they always let her go out into the audience and commune with the public, and last night�s craptacular Ford commercial was like The Dread Carmen Variety Hour or something. In theory, I think it was supposed to be Ruben Studdard�s horrific nightmare about three Carmen Rasmusens, all dressed in gauzy nightgowns, like the Brides of Dracula or something, haunting the mansion and hooting about �riding in his car� and whatever. But the tagline might as well have been �Vote For Carmen!� Get away from me, Ford. I don�t trust you anymore.
In any case, this has got to stop. I don�t care how, or what it takes, but Carmen Rasmusen must. Be. Eliminated. I�m not advocating anything illegal, mind you, but if she �accidentally� got kidnapped and was held somewhere, preferably sewn up inside a sound-proof rubber bag, until such time as the contest was officially over and she could be released, that wouldn�t bother me too much.
Oh, and by they way, did Kelly Clarkson rock last night or what? Eeeeeee!
Don�t take this quiz, you guys. It�s totally lame. I just needed an AI-themed quiz, and it was the only one with pictures.
