I wish I was more Zen. I really admire the Zen lifestyle; the sense of global responsibility it fosters and the ultimate self-awareness it promotes, not to mention those fucking awesome bonsai trees. I mean, those things are the shit. But more than that, it seems like a very healthy way to deal with one�s issues. And, let�s face it, we�ve all got issues.
I know a lot of people think meditation is kind of lame, and the whole Zen pacifism thing is "weird" or "nerdy" (or what have you -- I don�t know what the kids are saying about it these days), but I maintain that the ability to be so understanding about human foibles and the wrongs done against your person is pretty freaking impressive. By contrast, I get so worked up over it all that I�m ready to take someone�s arm off with my bare hands and choke them to death with it. Which is an art, too, to be sure, but less environmentally conscious than Zen.
For instance: Sophie, who might just be the greatest boss ever, keeps this fishbowl full of candy in the conference room next to my office. This is really genius, if you think about it, because it makes people (me) kind of want to go into meetings! And everybody likes candy, right? Problem is, around here, people like candy a little too damn much. If you don�t jump on that fishbowl like it�s the last train out of Dodge City, you�re not getting jackshit, my friend. Candy moves fast in these here parts.
As well you may know, I�ve kind of been trying this �healthy eating� thing, which of course means less candy for me. I�m fine with that, except it means that, by the time I get around to eating some candy, all the good stuff is gone and all that�s left are, like, a couple of Mr. Goodbars and a plethora of stale Tootsie Rolls. So, when people started digging their hands into the fishbowl and pulling out six "fun size" Snickers apiece, I began doing the same, taking my collection back to the office and storing it in my desk for the future.
Now, this may seem sneaky, but it�s not like I�m hoarding away 37 pounds of candy in my file drawer, or anything, just a handful of my favorites -- a couple Snickers (Snickerses?), a few bite-size Milky Way Midnights, and a Nestle Crunch or two. This is nice for me, because it means I am free to enjoy candy at my own, non-competitive pace, and I still enjoy the same sort of treat as everyone else. Cue the Problem:
One day, when she was looking for scissors, Sophie tumbled across my secret stash, and made a small, humorous to-do about it at the next staff meeting. Ha ha, Dr. No loves candy, he�s got a bunch of it in his desk. Now, every time the fishbowl starts getting low on the premium blend, these little assholes come flocking into my office, all, "I know you�ve got candy in your desk -- gimme some!" Like I owe them one of the two Snickers bars I�ve been saving. Like their total lack of self-control is my issue.
Let me make this crystalline: It�s my. Damn. Candy. Yes, I�ve been taking it and saving it, but not in excess. No, I haven�t been eating it, but that doesn�t mean I forfeit my rights to it, nor does it mean that, by saving two fucking Fun Size Snickers bars, I�m somehow violating communal rights to equal candy distribution. If you want candy today, maybe you should�ve considered that possible eventuality yesterday, when you were cramming them threefold into your gaping maw every five minutes, all through the staff meeting. For the last time, get your hand out of my desk before I cut it off and use it for a paperweight.
So now I�ve actually had to resort to hiding my stash, like I�ve got an eating disorder, leaving only a box of old Milk Duds where the collection used to be, in order to throw the hounds off the scent. This is ridiculous. We are supposed to be adults. I should not have to safeguard my sugar against plundering thieves, nor should I have to put up with nasty looks when I refuse to give up the last piece of chocolate that only I was evidently smart enough to save.
I wish I could be more like the Zen practitioners I so admire, and just let things like this go, let them exist in the Universe like anything else without adversely affecting me, but I can�t, because things like this drive me apeshit. Maybe it�s because I have low blood sugar.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: Who is Dr. No [Me.] And: sean biggerstaff fugly [HE IS NOT!] I�m Watching: Jake 2.0, with special guest star Lee Majors. I�m Eating: Secret candy. Mmm�