Someone bring me a glass of wine, or shoot me in the face. Or both. Although, if it�s all the same to you, I think I�d prefer the wine. Unless it�s Chablis. Lemme tell you about my day:
I woke up this morning with determination; today was going to be The Day. I showered, I put on some nice clothes�and then I changed my nice clothes three times in effort to make sure I looked just right, and then I left. Today was going to be the day that I asked the Cute Receptionist out for lunch and finally made him tell me what was going on between us -- to get all the cards on the table -- because the whole situation was driving me crazy. Okay, the truth is that I probably would have asked him out for lunch and then made cow eyes at him for an hour before returning to work all hot and flustered and more disappointed in myself than before, but this all proved to be moot fairly quickly. Like, immediately upon my arrival:
Me: Good morning!Jetson: Good morning!
Me: How are you?
Jetson: Good, actually.
Me [notices brochure]: Oh, hey, what�s this?
Jetson: Oh, that�s mine -- I went on a date to the Symphony last night.
Me: Oh�um�well�great! Great! A date! I hope�you had fun? Ha ha! That�s wonderful! Excuse me, but I�m just going to curl up in this corner and die for a second�
And then I shifted gears like a Nascar racer hitting the straightaway and made for my office, where I sequestered myself for the rest of the morning.So, like, what the hell is wrong with me, anyway? When did I become so stupid? Lately, it seems as though I�ve actually been making an active and conscious effort not to get the point. If there�s a loophole to be found, enlarged, or completely manufactured, I�ll find it, stretch it till you can fit your head through it, or tear one in the fabric of reality like a quarterback busting through a paper banner at the Super Bowl. That�s how determined I�ve been to avoid all underlying (or overlying, as the case may be) messages attendant to my (so-called) love life. In this particular case, the hint is being thrust at me like a baby in a paternity suit, which I�ve clearly lost, so I might as well take it.
He�s in a relationship, which isn�t even a surprise, so how did I manage to convince myself that I had a shot? I mean, he asked me out to lunch, for which he paid, and made implicit remarks about certain unsatisfactory elements of his current relationship, and I�m fairly sure he has in fact been flirting with me, but at the same time�dude, I should be smarter than this. I should be WAY smarter than this. It�s all well and good to have little daydreams about making out in the storage room, but when you somehow manage to become infatuated with someone whom you know to be in an actual, living, breathing relationship, it�s just brainless. And what�s more than that, it�s also short-sighted, unrealistic, and ultimately masochistic to talk yourself into thinking that any day now, he�s going to decide he has to have you at all cost, damn all the others.
Well, I spent the rest of the morning beating myself up and avoiding him like Typhoid Mary, and he seemed to notice, as he came poking around my office in effort to talk to me. I finally realized that melodrama really wasn�t going to bolster my case any, and I decided to suck it up and talk to him. I lost a battle I most certainly shouldn�t have been participating in, and I deserved to lose for being so willfully ignorant and disrespectful to both myself and whoever this dude is that he�s seeing. I decided to choke down my pride, get over myself, and be friends.
That�s when he made more comments implying he might not be compatible with the guy he�s seeing, and then he called me �sweet� (as in, �Thanks, that was sweet of you,� not, �Dude, that rocked -- you�re totally sweet!�), and then I wanted to skin myself alive and swing from the rafters on a noose made of my own arm because I�M SO CONFUSED! Why did he say those things? Is he hinting that he might be interested in me? If so, why did he bring up this date he had in the first place? If you were trying to feel somebody out for a potential relationship, wouldn�t it make sense to not mention the attached strings? Or am I reading this completely wrong, he�s not flirting with me at all, and I�m actually in a state of delusion about his alleged interest in me? (And, considering my ineptitude at reading people�s intentions in these situations, I assure you this is actually a very real possibility.)
This is what I get for having the impertinence to flirt with someone who�s already in a relationship. It�s called karma, and it�s currently slapping my ass like a 200-pound inmate at a high-security men�s correctional facility.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: Carmen eats babies [It�s true.] And: kissing eleven year old [Um�] I�m Watching: Infomercials. Dude, this pillow is totally inflammable! This Weekend I�m: Joining a monastery.