Me: Okay, so remember how I left the California State Franchise Tax Board that angry, drunken message the other day?Mom: Yeah, sure, okay.
Me: �what do you mean, �yeah, sure, okay�? Do you remember or don�t you?
Mom: Well, I wasn�t really paying terribly close attention to what you were saying, because of this thing on TV, an�
Me: You know what? Forget it. I can�t hear you over the death rattle of my dignity, anyway.
Mom: Well, I remember �blah blah, something about they think you owe them money but you don�t, yakkety yak, you told them so.�
Me: It was slightly more involved than that and I�m never sending you another Mother�s Day card as long as I live, but that�s the basic idea. Anyway, I left them a long, rambling message about how upset I was, and how I was going to take over Gotham City, and guess what?
Mom: I hope your plan didn�t involve kidnapping Commissioner Gordon�s daughter, because that never worked in the TV sho�
Me: I�m actually going to pretend that we still love and respect each other and continue with my story.
Mom: Oh, I�ll always love you, honey!
Me: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: Now, respect is anoth�
Me: Anyway, it worked! Apparently, when you sputter angrily into the abyss of governmental voicemail, there�s someone listening after all!
Mom: Well, sure, how else are they going to know who should be slapped onto a government watch list of potential terror threats?
Me: They issued a letter the very next day, apologizing and saying they wouldn�t pursue the matter any further. They apologized to me, Mom. The government.
Mom: You�re at the top of the world, now, honey.
Me: �why do you say it like that?
Mom: Like what?
Me: Like, all�patronizing.
Mom: I�m not patronizing you, I would never do that! If I was going to make fun of you, I�d be a lot more direct about it.
Me: That�s really comforting, Mom.
Mom: Nobody said estrogen was a barrel of laughs.
Me: Certainly not yours, anyway. What�s going on in your life, while we�re on the (boring) topic?
Mom: Not a lot. I�m going to kill the dog.
Me: You�ve been threatening to do that for a while now, and it�s starting to lose its effect.
Mom: This time I mean it! I told you about how he gets separation anxiety whenever I go out, right?
Me: Sure. They put him on doggie anti-depressants, right?
Mom: Yeah, but I�m only supposed to give him half a pill a day, only I can�t cut the little fuckers because they just chip and then fly off the counter�
Me: Where, presumably, the dog eats them.
Mom: Listen, smart ass, your mother�s telling a story.
Me: I�m sorry, were you saying something? I WAS WATCHING TV.
Mom: Hardy har. Anyway, the Vet said I should bring them in and he�d cut them for me, so I took the dog, but every time I take him into the Vet�s office, though, he gets so nervous that he shits on the floor!
Me: Hee!
Mom: It�s not funny, it�s true! So I didn�t want to bring him insi�
Me: Oh no.
Mom: I didn�t want to bring him inside, because I didn�t want him to get nerv�
Me: No. He didn�t.
Mom: I only left him in the car for seven minutes! Seven!
Me: �
Mom: Damn dog. He took a shit in my car!
Me: �
Mom: I mean, seven minutes, and he shits in my car! I was so pissed off I�stop laughing!
Me: I�m sorry, buy I can�t! Hee!
Mom: And then I took him to the groomer�s, and of course he got so nervous that he started lifting his leg all over the place�
Me: Oh. No.
Mom: Damn dog peed in my shoe.
Me: �
Mom: So now you see why I have to kill him�stop laughing!
Me: Mom, he PEED in your SHOE. I can�t stop laughing.
Mom: I�m so mad at him right now, I can�t even look at him.
Me: Poor dog.
Mom: Poor DOG?? He shit in my car! He defecated on my person! His furry little canine number is up, I�ll tell you what, and he deserves what�s coming! Poor ME, is more like.
Me: �I love you again, Mom.
Mom: Oh, shut up.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: hot suburban moms I�m Watching: North Shore, which just got 100% better, simply by promising that Shannen Doherty is joining the cast in September. And: Orson Welles�s Touch of Evil for the first time, and it was pretty damn good.