Ahhh�the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the seals are playing happily in the harbor outside the stately offices of Titanic Cruises. A lone pelican swoops by the windows of the office, lovingly decorating the glass with the spray of its carefully composed fecal matter. But even this is not enough to daunt the buoyant spirit of our hero, Dr. No, who stares smilingly into the great blue yonder, thinking of more beautiful things.
You see, last night, at about 8:57 PST, The Dread Carmen Rasmusen met her bitter end. That�s right! She�s gone! Gone, I tell you, GONE! We�re free! No more hooting! No more hollering! No more celebrated rock and roll classics of days gone by reduced to a tremulous, off-key yodel by an enthusiastic but otherwise unremarkable �singer� from Utah! Well, at least not on national television. I should clarify.
Also, I�m making it sound like they took her out back and shot her, and this is not the case. I know I advocated some pretty extreme penalties for her unabashed acts of vocal vandalism against some of my favorite songs, but capital punishment was not quite appropriate, even for her felonious mangling of �Call Me�. Which, again, doesn�t mean I�m getting soft! I�m still evil, y�all. To the core. Just read on.
So, yeah. The Dread Carmen didn�t deserve to die, per se, but I�m soooo glad she�s gone. Let�s all just think about it again for another blissful moment. Close your eyes and picture it in your head: next week's American Idol. Carmen-less. Sans Carmen. The amount of Carmen being in direct proportion to the amount of high-powered debate on the topic of the Iran-Contra scandal. Which is to say, hopefully none.
Don�t get me wrong, though. I have no illusions about the producers� psychotic, near pathological obsession with The Dread Carmen -- as evidenced by that stupid �commercial� they played last night, featuring TDC tooling around in a candy-red convertible and pouting at the camera while the other contestants, whoever the fuck they are, danced and �ooooh�-ed in the background. I�m positive that the producers will trot her back out at every possible opportunity -- and look for her to be featured a little more than prominently in The Great Talent-Free Reunion Tour at the end of the series, but let�s not think of that. Let�s think of last night.
I swear I didn�t believe they�d ever go through with it. I was reaching the point where I was convinced that producers were literally rigging the vote. It didn�t seem conceivable to me that the American public, left to its own devices, would have ever let The Dread Carmen make it even this far. I was sure that the producers were going over the voting results prior to the Wednesday show and altering the numbers to suit themselves. This is why I was shocked -- shocked! -- when they announced the bottom three, and actually named the honest-to-goodness three least spectacular performers!
The Dread Carmen, of course, waltzed out to the center with that little �I don�t care what you say, because I know I�m a big star -- the producers told me so!� smile on her face. And then Trenyce [will work for last name], while not as awful as the other two, was pretty much a given. I mean, the public simply isn�t ready to give up Ruben or Clay yet. At least, not if the chorus of squeals in the studio audience is to be believed. But then, when they sent Josh Gracin to the bottom three for the first time, I couldn�t believe my ears.
Could it be true? I mean, could it? Was it possible that we might see some justice, finally? As it turned out, it was more than possible, and as Ryan Seacrest sent Trenyce [send us $50,000 in unmarked bills if you ever want to see your last name again] back to the stands, May Day and I literally jumped out of our chairs and broke into the Carmen Is Going Home Dance, accompanied by whoops of glee. I mean, even if the producers� resorted to Santeria to keep The Dread Carmen around, we�d still be getting rid of Josh Gracin. So there was much rejoicing, and chants of �We can�t lose! No matter what, we can�t lose!� in our living room.
And then? We didn�t lose! The Dread Carmen was sent packing! We�re free! Now we just have to get rid of Josh�
Uh�isn�t this, like, my third or fourth quiz result implying I'm both kinky and horny? Maybe I should stop making my results public.
