First of all, I know y�all are expecting me to say something about last night�s American Idol, so�I will.
Actually, I thought last night�s episode was really pretty good. Neither myself nor May Day are particular fans of Dianne Warren, but it seemed that (most of) the finalists were the most comfortable they�ve been in a long time, and in large part, they all did a very competent job. Except for, you know, Josh and Carmen, but big surprise there.
Fortunately, since I don�t much care for the musical offerings of Miss Dianne Warren, I didn�t really have a favorite song for The Dread Carmen to mutilate beyond recognition. I was able to detach and observe the goings-on from a station of remote impassivity, rather than cower behind my chair, clutching my bleeding ears and begging for mommy to �make the bad girl stop�. Not that one shouldn�t do that anyway, just on principle.
But strangely, The Dread Carmen Rasmusen was (dare I say it?) not the worst performer last night. Sure, she bleated and bored and blah-ed her way through some crappy Dianne Warren number about �love leading you back� (or something -- but aren�t they all about love leading you back or something?), but due to some strange alchemy, she was actually� passable. Which isn�t to say she belongs in this competition, because she doesn�t. Girl shoulda been gone six weeks ago. Hell, girl shouldn�t have even made it into the top 12 in the first place.
Sadly, due to her less-awful-than-usual performance last night (which was still lame and uninteresting, by the way, I am not going soft here), The Dread Carmen has effectively signed Trenyce [last name here]�s death warrant. It�s a shame, too, because at least Trenyce has some vocal capability. She�s not my favorite, but she at least shows a serious proficiency for singing, which is more than can be said for, oh say, The Dread Carmen. Just for instance.
And now we come to the worst performance of the night. It was perpetrated by none other than Josh Gracin, as if there was any doubt. I mean, I�m sorry, but he�s barely a step up from Carmen, if the truth be told. And the only reason he�s a step up is because even though his songs are all off-key and all over the map, he�s at least less boring to watch. He�s got a certain natural charisma, I think, that makes it less painful to watch him, though certainly not less painful to listen. Witness, if you will, his song from last night (about love leading you back, or love not going away, or love being in his heart until such time as he shuffles off this mortal coil, or whatever) in which his voice was sharper than a number two pencil.
The sad thing is that we already know there isn�t a chance in hell of his getting sent home tonight. Frankly, I�ll be surprised if he�s even in the bottom three (if he is, it�ll be his first time), although he certainly deserves to be. I�m not saying he�s a bad guy, but he�s definitely not of the same caliber as Ruben, Clay, Kim Locke, or even Trenyce [last name here]. But the odds of him getting sent home any time soon are slim to none, because he�s a Marine! Which means he�s a great singer! You can�t not vote for the Marine! That�s like not voting for America! You do want to vote for America, don�t you? Because if you don�t, then you�re a fucking communist, Saddam-loving, French fry eating, America-hating, treasonous hippie! If you don�t vote for Josh Gracin, Senator McCarthy will come calling on you and yours, so you better get with the program, you filthy red. Of course, this is all Regardless of the fact that when he goes into his upper register, Josh�s voice is thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle. Just don�t say that out loud, because it�s un-American.
So I�ll be sad to see her go, but I think the hour has come for Trenyce [McBlahblahblah.]. If, by some mind-blowing chance, The Dread Carmen does hit the bricks tonight, I will gladly eat my words (more than gladly, actually, because I�m hungry and broke, and I want Carmen out of there), but I don�t thing that�s likely.
Okay, I cheated just a little bit.
