Cover your eyes, gentle reader, because what I�m about to report may leave you scarred for life, sobbing wildly, and cowering in the corner, just like Kellie Martin in every single one of those crap-ass Lifetime made-for-TV movies she churned out in the mid-'90s. This old, old woman (48) just came into the office to get some information, and so help me, not only was she smuggling raisins, but she also had (gulp)�camel toe (I�m totally not linking to anything about camel toe -- if you don�t know what that is, google it). I will never be the same. People my parents� age should not be out in public with their naughty bits fucking shrink-wrapped in pink velour. Hell, no one should be out like that! Man, if I wasn�t into boys already�
Anyway. I also wanted to print a correction: a few days ago, I likened Michael Jackson to Connie Selleca. I now believe I was wrong. He looks much more like Ann Miller.
So Lent is upon us once again. Has everyone given something up? Lent is kind of like the religious New Year, you know? Everyone makes a resolution, and then they don�t keep it and they feel really bad about it and they end up eating lots and lots of chocolate to cheer themselves up. I�m not actually Catholic myself, but if I were, I�d totally give stuff up for Lent. Hell, I�ve given stuff up before anyway, just because it�s a really good test of one�s character. Plus, I don�t want to feel left out.
My junior year in high school (which, incidentally, was much longer ago than I originally thought, and now I�m all depressed), Pussy Galore and I decided to give up something we were pretty sure we could get away with, so we picked lettuce. I mean, no sense in setting yourself up for failure, right? And we were gung-ho about it, too:
PG: Hey! Let�s give up lettuce!Me: Ooh, good one!
PG: Thank you. I was going to give up playing in traffic, but that seemed like a bit of a cop-out.
Me: What, and giving up lettuce is such a hardship?
PG: I�m more likely to eat lettuce than play in traffic.
Me: No you�re not.
PG: No, I�m not.
Me: So, lettuce, then. That�s good.
PG: It�s perfect! We can totally give up lettuce, and in a month, we�re going to feel so good about ourselves for persevering!
Me: If giving up lettuce is going to that much good for my self-respect, maybe I should give it up altogether.
PG: Works for me! We�re going to be unstoppable.
Me: We�re the best giver-uppers ever!
PG: It�s all about knowing your limitations, you know?
Me: Totally.
PG: We�re golden.
Three days later we were seated at Denny�s and halfway through our salads before we realized what we�d done.Me: Oh shit.PG: Did we just eat lettuce? Have I been eating lettuce?
Me: I don�t know if this counts�
PG: How does this not count?! We�re eating salad!
Me: Well, I think this might actually be raddichio�
PG: Denny�s does not put �raddichio� in their side salads. This is lettuce and we�ve been eating it. Say a novena.
Me: What? I�m not even Catholic! I don�t know what a �novena� is!
PG: Crap. Neither do I.
So the lettuce thing didn�t really work out. The next year I tried giving up, like, six things at once. I figured at least one of them might make it to the end, you know? It was the They Can�t Take All Of Us If We Attack At Once battle strategy. I was determined that I would come out on the other side of Easter with at least one thing that I�d managed to give up for forty days. Unfortunately, by day eight I�d already had coffee, lettuce (again), and chocolate, I�d skipped my homework assignments, fallen asleep in class, and woken up late for school. So the sacrifice thing didn�t work out so well, but at least I had fun, right?I�m not sure what I�m giving up for Lent this year. May Day has decided to give up crazy tantric sex, since she�s already not having any. Regardless of the fact that I�m also not getting any, I don�t want to slap an actual embargo on my sexual practices, just in case. Because you just know that�s exactly when it all starts to happen. Oh, hey, maybe I should give sex up after all!
Also, May Day wrote a totally brill song about her current state of being. I laughed for about twenty minutes straight. Last night we treated ourselves to steak, because we earned it. I don�t know how we earned it yet, because we haven�t rationalized it that far, but we�re fairly sure we earned steak. Either way, it was really, really good.
Yep. Insert sex-related �meat� joke, here.
