Memoirs of an Evil Genius

� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� In Which the Customer is Always, Always Wrong �
2:48 p.m., 2003-02-12

Seriously, what the FUCK is up with this pice of shit, Mickey Mouse office? Leaving aside the fact that it was raining so hard this morning that I had to fucking snorkel in from the parking lot, and leaving aside the fact that the door was locked, again, and I had to go wading through a hip deep flood to get the keys while Miranda watched me from the dry warmth of her stupid car while she gabbed on her cell phone and twirled her own damn office key around on her finger for fifteen minutes, and leaving aside the fact that the power subsequently went out in the office three times in succession, this place really, really sucks.

I can't even get a good rant on, because just when I start picking up steam, the phone rings! And it's always the same old shit, too.

Customer Dumbass: Uhhhh...I want information? On a cruise?
Me: Public or private?
Dumbass: Uhhhh...what's the difference?

Well, let's see. According to dictionary.com, one indicates "participation in or attendance by the people or community" and one is "designed or intended for one's exclusive use". In other words, one's open to the public, and the other one has a fucking list.

Then there's the people that just. Don't. Get it.

Me: Public or private?
Fucking Idiot: Uhhhh...private?
Me: For how many?
FI: Two.
Me: Yeah, I think you want public.
FI: No, we want private.
Me: No, I really think you want public.
FI: Nooooo, I really think we want private!

Oh really, smarty-pants? Do you realize that a private cruise comes with a minimum $1,500 price tag? Still really sure about that? Dumb fuck.

Me: Public or private?
Clueless Bastard: Ohmygaw, private!
Me: For how many?
CB: Uhhhh...two.
Me: Sigh. You want public.
CB: No. No way. Private.
Me: You're aware that for a private cruise you have to rent out the boat, right? The whole boat? For a minimum of three to four hours?
CB: Well, how much is that?
Me: A shitload more than the $60 public cruise, I can tell you.
CB: Well, I think we want private. This is supposed to be romantic!

You really think she'll find your immense stupidity "romantic"? When I take down all your information and you talk to a bored, irritated salesperson who explains the $1,500 price tag in detail and you finally decide that, yeah, maybe "that dude" (aka Me) was right after all, and you do want public cruises, am I allowed to call your dumb ass up and go, "TOLDJA SO!"?

And what's with all this resistence to the notion of 'public' cruises? What do all these people think 'public' means? They act like I'm asking them to strip down in front of a panel of judges, regurgitate, and then submit to televised colorectal surgery! And why are they so convinced that they can afford to "just, y'know, rent out a yacht" for two people? It's not like it's a tandem bicycle or a fucking log flume, y'all. It's a huge, huge luxury boat. Add to the rental fees the cost of prepared meals plus alcohol and a full staff, and you're looking at a hefty sum.

And now I've got all these people calling, convinced that they want a private cruise for Valentine's Day! Never mind the fact that it's February 12th and Valentine's Day is on fucking Friday! They want a private cruise! For Friday! We can do that, right? A private cruise? For two people? For Friday?

Kiss my ass, world.