� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� Nagging Concerns �
5:59 p.m., 2006-06-21

I�ve been meaning to ask you guys something. Does anyone else remember a TV show from sometime in the 90�s where, in one episode, some kid lied about his shoes getting stolen? And then it became this big media circus, like, WHO WOULD STEAL THIS LITTLE BOY�S SHOES? And he only lied about it because he wanted these new, fancy, expensive shoes and his parents wouldn�t buy them for him, and then in the end he felt so guilty that he �fessed up and it was all One To Grow On, and shit, and the Very Special Guest Stars reprimanded him ever so gently about how it�s totally wrong to deceive the public en masse like that, and you really feel like you�ve learned and grown and all that as the Very Special Guest Stars sang their then-chart-topping ballad out to the credits? Only the irony is that the Very Special Guest Stars were none other than Milli effing Vanilli, and the song that they �sang� was �Blame It On The Rain�?

Does anyone else remember that, or just me? Because I SWEAR I saw this on television, FOR REALS, and I do not for the life of me know what the name of the show was, and cannot believe it wasn�t a bigger deal, given the irony to which it would soon give the lie. It is eating at me, y�all.

Also eating at me? The knowledge that there is something wrong with my car. Remember last time how I said that it was so dirty that it verged on the perverse, and that it was due for an oil change, which was good because I could then get a chance to have someone address the funny sounds it was making? Well, now the engine light is on. I�ve had this problem before � most recently when my stupid air hose (or some damn thing) was wonky and I couldn�t get my registration renewed until I de-wonked it to the tune of, like, 100 big ones � but it worries me that it�s on again so soon. It shouldn�t be any stuck valves or air hose problems, because I just had those all addressed, but that makes me think it�s something even bigger and more expensive, and that gives me the palpitations. Owning a car is hard work, you guys.

Can I also ask you guys a question about all the old people in my neighborhood? I classify this as being �in my neighborhood�, because I don�t think that they are representative of the elderly �everywhere�, per se, and I don�t want to be accused of ageism for all the mean things I�m about to say in regards to old people. Or, you know, to be accused of being a heartless monster, should I, for example, advocate a position that all the old people in my neighborhood be locked inside their apartment buildings, forever.

Here�s why: To a one, they are rude and unsmiling, they plod down the center of the sidewalk and refuse to make eye contact with you as you approach them, clearly in need of some physical space, and then they act REALLY, REALLY SURPRISED when you�re all of a sudden bearing down right on top of them, DESPITE however much noise you made announcing your presence, and they give you that �who do you think you are?� look, like you�re a bad person for not�what? Whistling and stomping and calling out from fifty feet away, �FELLOW PEDESTRIAN COMING THROUGH IN TEN�NINE�EIGHT�� It�s like, pay attention on your own!

And this shit happens ALL THE TIME. This is admittedly largely a recap of my earlier exhortation to get the fuck off the sidewalk if you aren�t going to use it properly, but it evidently bears repeating. There�s one lady who, every single day, plops down on the garden wall in front of our building and angles this enormous, double-barrel stroller all across the pavement, so that when I�m running I have to jump out into the street � AGAIN � to avoid smashing into it. Does she NEED all that space right there, right then? No. There are many different ways to angle that thing, but she chooses the one that is a) most convenient to her, and b) least convenient to anyone passing through. I should point out that right at the particular point on the block, there is a large, concrete alcove she could be stroller-ing in, that wouldn�t necessitate my playing Duck Duck Goose with large and deadly vehicles.

I�m all for respecting your elders, but that�s a respect that comes at the simple price of deserving it.

Today�s Trivia Fact: Charles I was the last king of England to be beheaded. I�m Watching: I�m actually really behind on my TV. But I�ve been watching Golden Girls in the mornings before work, lately, and that�s been nice. I�m Reading: I am SEVEN PAGES short of finishing my book. I�m hoping to get it done tonight, but I�m not holding my breath.

A Year Ago, I Said:

What wasn�t okay was me, later that night, when my drunk ass took a header while running across the street and totally Tonya Harding-ed out all over the sidewalk.

Quake Me Up Before You Go-Go
6-19-2005

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



Keep abreast of the progress in my global conquest! Sign up here and get notified when I update my site:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com


my last adventure: The Grudge Report

my next adventure: Bony, Fugz, 'n' Harmony

� look around �
my brilliant new plan
my fiendish archives
contact me
guestbook
random genius
landlord
dancing brave
go fug yourself
gwentropy
knee deep in the hoopla
may day
mister zero
rusty nail
so that happened
ultratart
my decorator
check out the news