� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� Don't I Not Know You From Somewhere? �
4:24 p.m., 2006-04-24

Oh my gosh, I�m sitting in my car outside some rich person�s house, stealing their wireless internet connection! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I need a twelve-step program.

So I�m writing this, although I�m not entirely sure how much good it will do. All internet services are down, even when they�re up, it seems. We�re having difficulties with it at home, so I came down to Domino�s pad for a bit of the old borrowed access, but no dice. So I hopped over to Starbucks, where I figured I�d make myself into an honest man by buying something and using the legit service, and...no dice. I have full access, and am connected all the way up ass to my earlobes, but my computer won�t connect to the internet. I have no idea what my inbox looks like. This is really distressing for me, because I am the kind of person who will leap out of bed from a dead sleep at three in the morning to answer the phone for an �unknown number�, because YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IT MIGHT BE ABOUT. What if I got an email about a possible job? What if I got a job, and I can�t do anything about it? When will I get back on the internet? WHY ISN�T MY COMPUTER WORKING, WHEN ALL SIGNS POINT TO �CONNECTED�? Fuck you, T-Mobile!

But this isn�t about T-Mobile. This is about some guy named John, and that guy would be me. Apparently. This will come as news to my parents, who did NOT name me John, but then again it came as news to me, too, when I was saying it to someone else last night.

I was at the bar with May Day, catching up on all the hoo-hah that�s gone down since we decided to live in sin. Well, I guess depending on who you�re asking, we�ve always lived in sin (Pat Robertson is so fucking picky about that stuff), but I digress. Not long after we�d sat down, my friend Radon and his wife walked into the bar. I sort of caught his eye and waved, and he waved back, and I told him I�d come over and say hi when May Day and I were done. Well, we had a nice time and drank a barrel of rum, and then went our separate ways. Before leaving the bar, I sidled up to Radon and his wife and said in my smoothest baritone, �So...come here often?� Then I looked over and realized it wasn�t Radon.

Now, in my defense, I wasn�t wearing my glasses, but this guy was, like, CLEARLY a KGB Radon-clone, because he looked EXACTLY like my friend, and his date looked EXACTLY like his wife�down to the height, hair, glasses, and stubble. Well, his date didn�t have the stubble, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I�m now staring into the face of some complete stranger who�s in the middle of laughing about how he was �sure [he] recognized [me] too, but just couldn�t place [me]� and before I could say, �Ha ha, funny thing about that�� he was already onto adding, ��but I didn�t want to come over and SAY anything, because what if I was wrong, and then I�d look like a COMPLETE ASS for THINKING I KNEW YOU WHEN I DIDN�T.�

So. I told him I thought we�d met at a �party�, because I get invited to so many of those, right? Because of my JOB. �What job?� He wanted to know. �I work at [large, well-known agency],� I replied promptly. He wanted to know in what capacity, and I told him I was an assistant. He turned to his date, �I did go to a party there recently, didn�t I?� She nodded. He asked me for my name, and I told him I was �John�, and then we both �tried� to �remember� where we�d �met� �before�, and engaged in some small talk about he USED TO WORK FOR [well-known agency], and what BASTARDS they are, and how I was so afraid to take the job when they offered it because of all the horror stories I�d heard, and we laughed, and before he could ask me if X or Y still work there from he was onboard, I made some lame excuse and ran out the door.

But not before he gave me his card and told me to call him, and said it was nice to �run into me again�.

My life is turning into an episode of fucking Blossom.

Incidentally, someone I know got married this weekend, and she looked absolutely gorgeous, and it was a beautiful and touching ceremony and a kick-ass reception, and I just wanted to offer my congratulations. So...congratulations!

Today�s Trivia Factoid: Lake Baikal, in Russia, is the world�s deepest lake. The Black Sea is the world�s largest. I�m Watching: Silent Hill. I thought it would probably be overwrought and visually self-obsessed and I was right. I also thought it might be an overall shitty movie, and I was right about that too. I thought it would have some redeeming qualities about it, but I guess you can�t be right all the time. I Need: An internet connection, like you wouldn�t believe.

A Year Ago, I Said:

They are going to a deep, dark, stinky, fiery corner of the infernal abyss.

Clear the Runway
4-21-2005

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



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