As I admitted to Lauren just the other evening, I believe this job of mine has become my White Whale. By that, I mean that I have developed an unhealthy obsession regarding my daily responsibilities here at Arts-Friendly that is slowly but surely threatening the continued existence of any extracurricular interests and activities. It�s clinging to my brain like an oil spill, and as of this past weekend, I�m officially sick of it once and for all.
It would be one thing if I was being adequately compensated for the way I�m being overworked (there are four people working here, and I�m three of them), but when I have to come in early, work through lunch, and stay late, and not only am I not getting paid overtime, but am also not getting paid regular time for it, that�s just a load of horseshit. Beginning this week, I decided that if I�m going to get paid for forty hours, I�m only going to work forty, plain and simple. If the work doesn�t get done, then Sophie either needs to think about paying me more, or hiring someone else to pick up the obvious slack. I cannot do it all (and more besides, since every time something slips through the cracks, it seems to eventually land on my plate), and as of Monday, I am no longer interested in trying.
I spent the past six months accepting more and more duties into my daily agenda, in part because I was afraid to refuse (Good Employees always say yes, yes, yes!) and in part because I wanted to prove what a valuable employee I am (for a confessed spazz, accountability is something I feel a perpetual need to demonstrate). The downside to this, of course, is that I consequently let Sophie walk all over me in steel-toed boots, and she was more than grateful to take advantage of the traction. My newfound apathy has already done limitless good for my personal psychology, and although I�m still none the closer to financial stability for this decision, I�m at least no longer doing pro bono work for a job that doesn�t deserve my extra attention.
My awareness of the fact that I have become quite indispensable around here hit me as the first blow in a one-two punch, the second impact being the joint realization that I am extremely undervalued for the amount of work I�m doing. Honestly, I feel a little proud that I�ve been made Sophie�s de facto right hand man, but I�m still being paid the same amount I was getting when I was a temp, which -- quite frankly -- is another load of horseshit. Facing that truth led me to face another truth, which is that although I�m happy Sophie trusts me and my ability to keep so much of this operation up and running on my own, I only took this job to pay the bills (which it very nearly isn�t). Instead of serving me as a utility, the job now owns me.
I took stock of where things stand in my life, of what my mental, physical, and emotional expenditures are at this job now, and I�ve come to the realization that I�m what I�m pouring into it is in no form being returned to me. If my pay was doubled, or my responsibilities halved, balance would be restored. But my responsibilities and pay are going to stay right where they are, and even if my pay was adjusted, it wouldn�t be enough. I would still be trapped in this job that I didn�t really want in the first place, and the personal cost would still be too great.
So before I perish in the pursuit of my White Whale, I�m gong to do what Ahab should have done and give up the chase. As of this week, this job no longer owns me, and as soon as I can do it gracefully and realistically, I will slip free of its clutches forever.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: I think you need botox I�m Watching: The Amazing Race, which continues to kick ass and take names. And: Dynasty, which is just as glorious as I was promised.