Twice this week, the same thing happened to me, and I�m starting to worry that it�s all part of some alarming trend. Specifically, that thing is that someone called and woke me up when I was just in the throes of a very nice and much needed sleep. I don�t handle that sort of thing very well, y�all. I have a hard enough time figuring out which end is up when pressed upon to do so during normal operating hours, but if you jar me out of a deep sleep and then expect me to make any kind of conversation that doesn�t involve mostly profanities and half-intelligible declarations of murderous intent, you�re pretty much shit out of luck.
On Wednesday night, I slipped into the stream of unconsciousness at a heretofore completely unprecedented 9:15. In my defense, it wasn�t intentional, but still. I haven�t gone to bed at 9:15 since I was about 11 years old, and my parents made me, probably as punishment for, like, not eating broccoli or something. In any event, I was sawing logs like Paul Bunyan when I was abruptly torn from my peaceful slumber by the ringing of my phone. I stumbled over in panic mode (I don�t have many modes when I wake up; panicked and surly are about all you�re gonna get) and answered, only to find that it was my friend Argyle, in desperate search of an all-night drugstore in San Diego. I don�t know why. Honestly, I don�t remember much at all about that conversation, and likely would have forgotten it had ever taken place, had I not woken up the next morning, still clutching my cell phone in my hand.
This morning, the same thing happened again! Well, sort of the same thing. My cell phone started ringing, waking me up out of a great dream in which I won the gold medal in something track-and-fieldy for some country or another. I was really enjoying the glory and the fifteen minutes of it all, when that blasted ringing started in on me. When I lurched my way to the phone this time, however, I saw that the call was coming from my mother! Perturbed and curious, I picked it up, and was greeted by a lot of strange rustling and this weird background noise like a family of raccoons eating a piece of soggy toast. Believing I had a bad connection, I hung up, called back, and got a pleasantly surprised mom, who wanted to know why I was calling her so early.
Apparently, my mother�s purse has a poltergeist that likes to cruelly use her phone and wake people up in the morning. I feel it would be almost unnecessary of me to inform you that this phantom call came not thirty minutes before I was supposed to be getting up anyway, like I�d ever be able to get back to sleep again and enjoy that half-hour as I�d intended. Wound, meet salt.
Of course, my mother has a long and storied history of ringing me up and waking me up of her own nefarious volition. When I was in college, she would call me every Friday morning at 8:00am, waking me up and telling me, "I just wanted to make sure I caught you before you left for class!" Good call on that, Mom, since my class doesn�t start for another FIVE HOURS. And then, despite the fact that I was only half-alive and could neither form full sentences nor summon the energy to adequately articulate them, she would insist on talking to me. What would follow was an exchange equally exasperating to both parties in which she would ask questions, I would wheeze and grunt in response, she would get fed up with my poor communication, I would get fed up with her blithe disregard of my clearly compromised physical and mental state, and then we�d hang up and talk on the weekend. Which is, in a way, what happened this morning.
Anyway, as grand as communication is, it can totally kiss my ass.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: j.lo getting fucked I�m Watching: Women�s 3-meter springboard, and finally feeling like I have a moderate understanding of what constitutes a "good" dive. And: The magic of the Olympics is starting to wear perilously thin. Good thing today�s the last day.