I apologize for the fact that I have not updated since last Wednesday. Although my schedule is in something of a tailspin, what with me now working nights and all, I�m still trying to figure out when I can get all my stuff done. I would just update during the day, but despite all of my Herculean efforts to fix it, my home computer remains a great big piece of crap, and even logging on to the internet has proven to be a task too complex for its stupid little memory bank to handle. Who built that damn machine, anyway? The Marquis de Sade? Why must technology constantly make my life a more challenging place to be? Isn�t that counterintuitive?
Anyway, technology isn�t the only thing that slows me down. Sometimes people slow me down, too. Witness Saturday night, when me and my friend Domino and I were incarcerated in the back of a friend�s Honda while she went inside �just for a moment� to help her boyfriend put on his costume for a Halloween party. He was putting on his costume for forty-five minutes. Meanwhile, Domino and I sat in the middle of the street with the hazard lights on, apologizing to everyone who drove by. �Sorry about sucking so bad!� We�d say. We started getting cabin fever, and invented this whole alternate reality where we had to mate in the hopes of passing on our genes for future generations. It was too bad, because our children were very sad. (Our daughter wanted to be a ballerina, but, bereft of any ballet teachers in the Honda, her ambitions were pretty much all pipe dreams.)
Abruptly switching gears, last night I had another fun run-in with a spider. Not a gigantic, mutated, atomic spider like last time, thank all the powers that be, but still. Any run-in with an arachnid is a bad run-in, in my opinion. Unless it�s, like, Super Spider and it�s saving you from a fate worse than�being covered in icky spiders, but how likely is that to happen? Wouldn�t it be more likely to cover you with the spiders? Whatever. Anyway, I was with some friends on Sunday when an evil spider was discovered lurking in a corner of the room. For some reason, due to my Y chromosome, it fell to me �take care of it�.
When I say �take care of it�, please interpret that in the way one might should the edict be passing from the lips of Sonny Corleone. It was most definitely implied that I was to perform a double-tap on this poor arachnid, and as Slim started coming into the room dragging a vacuum cleaner behind her, the better for me to suck the spider STRAIGHT TO HELL, I put my foot down. Er, and not on the spider. I mean, not to get all St. Francis here, but we�re all God�s creatures, and we all have the right to continued existence. Admittedly some of us have issues with proximity -- I don�t like sharing my personal space with Crazies, for example -- but at the end of the day, I believe we must find a way to live in harmony. Now, let�s all join hands and sing �Kumbaya�!
Kidding. Anyway, I was determined to get rid of the spider without killing it, and since I�d made this grandiose stand about respecting life (as well as teasing them all for being squeamish about spiders), I suddenly had this Big Strong Man Who�s Not Afraid Of Spiders reputation to uphold. Foolish of me, I know.
Anyway, I grabbed this thing with a paper towel, and of course it immediately escaped and dropped right onto my arm. I froze for a minute, willing with every fiber of my being for that spider to have not gone up my sleeve, because jumping up and down and shrieking like Jean Hagen probably wasn�t going to further back up my prior, masculine posturing. I held it together very well, if I do say so myself, and then when I saw that the spider had hit the floor, and was not in fact doing unspeakable things to my arm, I started breathing again.
Okay, so there was no real point to that story, but there it is. And now, I must end this abruptly, because they�re telling me I can go home now! Hooray!
Peace out, ya�ll. Hopefully I�ll be updating again on Wednesday.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: �Embarrassing Flashing� I�m Watching: The Food Network. I�m a sucker for any kind of theme month, and now that Halloween approacheth, it�s all about candy, yo. I�m Reading: I�m closing in on the end of A Cook�s Tour, aren�t you proud of me?