I'd written half an entry, largely about the limited and faulty technologies available to me at my new job (which I blamed in large part for my neglect of this journal), and then when I tried to type in my email address as part of a joke, it caused the entire system to melt down, costing me not only my entry but also half of the work I've done over the past hour. Ergo, let me begin again.
Essentially, I was going to apologize for the fact that it is Thursday and I am only now updating my journal for the first time. I started a new job at the end of last week, and the computer they have set me up with is this creaking, antediluvian dinosaur of a machine, which is more rickety and suspect than the bridge at the end of Indiana Jones and the One Where They Go Into That Mountain and the Kid in the Turban Sticks Needles Into the Barbie. I have internet access only through this lovely program called 'Netscape Communicator 4.7', and I'm becoming convinced that the 4.7 is a reference to the year in which it was developed, as it only loads one web page correctly, and it's, like, a Byzantine woodcarving.
But the job isn't so terrible, Bronze Age technological limitations excepted. The office is only a ten minute drive from my place! (Ten minute drive to the on-ramp excepted - although Ulrich lives right near an on-ramp, so it's a clear shot when I stay over at his place, as I did this morning. Just for example.) The kitchen is fully stocked with goodies and coffee, and there's even a Whole Foods right next door, although those bastards don't have a salad bar, so it's pretty much just good for the periodic guerilla strike on the free sample displays. Like I did yesterday, just for example.
Speaking of Ulrich, I just feel the need to say that (knock on wood) it's going really, really well. He's officially my boyfriend now, and I couldn't be happier with the arrangement (and we've absolutely clarified the point, so don't expect one of these entries). Really he's such a remarkable human being that every time we're together, I look at him and wonder what he's doing with me. And I don't say that to be self-deprecatory or to fish for compliments, but because it's really kind of wonderful. I mean, I certainly have my moments of 'I TEXTED HIM AN HOUR AGO AND HE HASN'T WRITTEN BACK - IS HE DUMPING ME?' but I'm not awash in insecurity. The fact that he says the same about me is comforting, to say the least.
Anyway, I do want to move on lest I actually do jinx something. I don't totally buy into jinxes, but�okay, yes I do. I live in constant fear that if I brag about my good news, I'll be stripped of my right to it by some mediating universal force that doles out just and ironic desserts. Brag about how great your car is? Your transmission fails. Brag about your relationship? Everything goes south on a dime. Conversely, if you act humble and, well, self-deprecatory, while things may not go on a constant, radical upswing, you can at least avoid the Evil Eye for a bit longer. That may be crazy, and I concede that when you're looking for a connection in such things, you're guaranteed to find one, but why tempt fate?
I also lied: I am insecure about my relationship. And I'm not just saying that to avoid the Evil Eye, either. I mean, I don't have doubts about Ulrich or his character - I am confident in his character and in my feelings for him - but (and this, too, is fatalistic in the near-extreme) I was raised with the carefully instructed notion that happiness is compromise. Nothing is perfect, there are no fairy-tale endings, but part of the beauty of being happy is accepting the bad parts insofar that they eclipsed by the good. What has me worried is that I haven't really found Ulrich's bad parts yet. I haven't needed to compromise, and it terrifies me because the dark, doubtful little voice in the back of my head is constantly whispering, "Okay, this means one of two things: A) there's something seriously wrong, and the longer it takes to come to light, the worse that means it is, or, B) nothing is wrong and he's the perfect guy for you, which means that as soon as you are hopelessly head-over-heels for him, he's going to realize he doesn't love you and break up with your sorry ass." And if I can't accept that maybe great things can happen, too, perhaps I don't deserve something that good.
See what a bitch that is? Damn you, Evil Eye.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: Dude, people are still finding this place by looking for shirtless pics of Josh Gracin. I'm Watching: I watched both Bones and Supernatural on Tuesday, and although they were both fine as diversions, neither of them really makes me need to tune in again. I'm Reading: A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson, which I hate to put down.