May Day and I just went and saw Pirates Of the Caribbean, and I must explain to you that this movie rocks. It�s the sort of pirate movie that makes you want to get out there and buckle swash with the best of �em. It�s the sort of movie that can make you seriously think about nailing Johnny Depp, even though he�s grungy and sort of insane. It�s the sort of movie that make you seriously think about nailing Keira Knightley, even though she�s, you know, a girl. It�s the sort of movie that can make you seriously think about going back on the ride Pirates Of the Caribbean, even though it�s really just a stupid log flume through a fiberglass cave with a bunch of poorly animated puppets flapping their mechanical jaws while a bad speaker system blares out �Yo Ho Ho, a Pirate�s Life For Me�.
Basically, it was nothing short of brilliant (much like Michelle Pfeiffer�s performance in Grease 2 -- this one�s for you, Heather: C-O-O-L! R-I-D-E-R!), and although it didn�t actually make me want to give up all my worldly possessions and take to the open sea with a motley band of variously smelly, toothless, and/or visually compromised gentlemen of questionable moral fortitude, it reminded me that at one point in time, I did want to be a pirate.
Well, okay, so it wasn�t really a question of me wanting to be a pirate so much as it was a matter of my brother and his friends wanting to be pirates, and me just being bored. And kind of lame. I mean, why was I hanging around, playing pirates with a bunch of nine year-olds when I was�older than they were? Didn�t I have any friends who might have spared me from the indignity of uttering phrases like, �Let�s take the passage through the Bloody Straits, betwixt the Isle of the Dead and Zombie Rock!� when I was�older than nine?
Although I do have to give a lot of points to whoever drew up the map that day, because �Zombie Rock� sounds like the next wave in the Death Metal movement, doesn�t it?
And lest you think me careless for taking the Bloody Straits, need I remind you that the alternate path, around the Isle of the Mists, was fraught with certain peril in the form of the Sirens and the evil queen from Willow, Bavmorda? Yeah, my brother had some weird-ass friends.
When my friends and I were little, were didn�t play pirates. Well, not strictly. We did play �Shipwreck� quite a bit, though. But that�s because all the kids in my neighborhood were girls, and girls always liked to play those games where the parents die and the kids are forced to care for their baby brothers and sisters by themselves. Like Social Services is really going to sign off on that arrangement. Anyway, we always ended up stranded on some deserted island, or chain of islands, and were forced to fend for ourselves (and the infant twins, natch), and would regularly encounter danger in the form of bloodthirsty pirates. Because, you know, pirates really have nothing better to do than terrorize a bunch of shipwrecked orphans who are raising their infant siblings by themselves.
Anyway, definitely go and see Pirates of the Caribbean. I won�t say there�s no shipwrecking or orphans, but I promise that, at the very least, there are no helpless babies being raised by nine year-olds.
Sorry if I spoiled that for anyone.
Wow. I had no idea I was so depressed. Thank you, Quiz!
