Last night I watched The Mystery of Natalie Wood, and discovered the only real mystery involved was the indication that someone, somewhere, read the script and still gave that project the green light. I don�t mean to harsh all over the months of hard work that a bunch of people (allegedly) put into that flick, but�it sucked, y�all. I mean, everybody tried really hard, and you have to at least give them credit for that, but it was so ham-fisted and clumsily represented, it just made you sad watching it. Like, when you try to cram forty years of a woman�s life into a three-hour TV movie, you�re bound to drop a detail or two, but they were so hell-bent on getting everything in that they had to make it all as obvious and expository as possible.
Also, and this is the last thing I�ll say about it, it irked me that they spent fifteen minutes -- fifteen! -- dragging out her final moments, when the fact is that no one really knows what happened. So thanks for making me sit through an unimaginative and drawn-out interpretation of someone else�s thoughts on how it may have occurred, which managed to kill all possible suspense and emotional impact the ending of the film could have had. The only interesting thing about the movie (in my opinion) is that Justine Waddell looks exactly like Natalie Wood��s daughter, Natasha Gregson Wagner.
On another note, I also watched the last five minutes (or so) of Average Joe 2. Not because I like the program (he added hastily), but because for the last week they�d made a huge stink about how Latrine apparently had! A huge! Secret! That, when revealed, would change! Everyone�s lives! Forever! I was like, what, is she really a man? That would be quite a twist. Of course that wasn�t it, though. No imagination, these reality shows.
No, as it turns out, after four blissful days of frolicking in the sun of Cabo San Lucas (or some such, I only saw five minutes), she finally revealed to the Hunk she picked (toldja she�d never choose the "average" guy) that�wait for it�she used to date Fabio. Now, while that�s certainly embarrassing, it�s not a great big terrible shocking disclosure like they made it out to be. At least, not to me, it wasn�t. Apparently, the Hunk just couldn�t handle it though, and completely lost his shit. Like, he stopped talking to her and ended everything right there.
I�m so conflicted about that. Like, I�m glad she�s experienced what it�s like to be rejected for the most superficial of reasons, but at the same time, it�s so ponderously stupid that it saps some of my enjoyment. Why did he freak out like that? Fabio�s gross, sure, but that guy acted like she�d just admitted to having perverted sexual relations with the corpse of her dead Nazi skinhead brother on stage in front of the Vienna Boys� Choir, or something. Chill out, dude.
Oh, whatever, like I even care what happens to either of them. I watched a grand total of ten minutes out of the whole series, which was ten minutes too many. It�s one of those shows where it ends and you just feel�dirty. You know? It�s like waking up next to two filthy crackwhores and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. You know you must�ve enjoyed the hot, skanky action at the time, but now you�re full of shame and remorse and feel like you�ll never be clean on the inside again. That�s the reaction I have to shows like Average Joe.
I guess last night just wasn�t a good night for me and the TV. Oh well. There�s always tonight.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: the plan is�there is no plan And: how to commit hara-kiri I�m Watching: The Mystery of Why Isn't This Better? And: Average Show, Too