I�m a little drunk, you guys.
Okay, I�m totally drunk. Like, if drunkeness was fried cheese sticks, I�d be Applebee�s on a Sunday night. Woo, mama, am I a wasted! Here was the plan: finish work, go to the bar for Kelly�s goodbye party (she�s moving to Chicago, you guys! Oh no!), and then go home so I could pack. Only things didn�t turn out quite that way, nosiree bob! Or is that �Bob�? Is that capitalized? I never know if that�s capitalized. People, there needs to be clarification on the Bob issue before we can start moving forward in the political arena! Do you get me? Am I understooded? I�m drunk!
Anyway, I was supposed to pack. See, I�m going away! For the weekend! Isn�t that cool beans?!? What does that mean, �cool beans�? Like beans are so fucking cool. Shut up, beans! Anyway, I�m going back home for the weekend, which will be totally cool, because I�ll get to see my parents and my friend and her daughter and my other friend who doesn�t live around here. And some other people, who also don�t live around here. Aren�t you excited? Shut up.
See, I�m drunk. Wooooo! Okay, I�ll stop now. Anyway, I was only going to have a cider and then go home and call Lauren, because of how I miss Lauren, and haven�t talked to her in a while, and then I was going to pack for my trip, but then one cider turned into two ciders, and two ciders turned into five beers, and then I turned into a totally wasted git, and we didn�t get out of the bar until totally late (and I had to pee really, really bad, y�all. Like, bad. And those mofos at the bar were all, �If you leave, you don�t get back in!� and you�re like, �Well, why were you leaving? Don�t they have bathrooms at the bar?� and I�m all, �Yeah, but the toilets were backed up, so you literally had to stand in two inches of someone else�s stagnant urine in order to use the facilities, and while some people out there no doubt find that a turn-on, I am not one of them. Plus, I was wearing long pants, and the whole issue of deciding whether it was more important to�um, �aim� myself, or keep my pants from touching the disgusting floor was really too much for me to handle. Because, you can only use your hands for one thing at a time, and I mean, really�given those options, who isn�t going to hold their pants up? But then that meant I was peeing all over the place, which is just kind of rude. I mean, how would you like it if someone came to your house, and just started peeing all over your bathroom? Of course, if you had urine all over your floor already, you might not mind, but I have a pretty high opinion of you guys, and I think you probably have pretty clean bathrooms.�)
Anyway, Lauren, I�m sorry I got home so late. And so drunk. I wish I could call you now, only it�s after one in the morning, and you�re probably asleep. Oh shit! It�s after one in the morning! I have to get up tomorrow, you guys! I have a flight out at noon! Well, noon-thirty, but same diff. At least I don�t have to go to work tomorrow. That�s nice.
Can I just tell you that Cute Receptionist was totally flirting with me today! Like, totally flirting! Man alive, I wish I had more dignity, because I�d totally tell him where to get off! As it was, I was just disgustingly smug about it. Like, �Now that I�ve ignored you for a day and a half, you want me! Nah nah!� Except maybe I�m just wishing that�s what he was like. Maybe he was more like, �Just because I don�t want you at all, doesn�t mean we can�t talk.� And then I�d feel kinda crappy.
The following is something that happened at work:
Sophie: La la laaa�cocksucking motherfuck-head whore-licking cow-nailing shitting donkey-pounding fucksailing ASSQUEEN!!! [sees me watching] Oops! I thought I was alone -- I was talking to the fax machine!
Isn�t that awesome? That�s how I talk to the fax machine! We�re like twinsies!Dude, I�m going to bed. Love you guys! If I don�t write again over the weekend, have a great one!
Yeah, yeah�it�s a rerun. Some people appreciate familiarity, you know.
