I�m a big dirty cheater.
It�s really time I owned up to it. No more hiding behind closed doors, carefully trying to cover up my wrongs, lying about what I�ve been up to. I�m going to be honest about this now, because I feel it will be for the betterment of my soul. I can�t lie about it any longer or it�s going to drive me crazy. Faithful reader, I hope you think no less of me after this admission, but�I cheat at Hearts.
I know, it�s disgusting, but I can�t help it! And it�s not like I just set out to cheat like that, either. I mean, it just sort of�happened. At first, I didn�t even play Hearts -- after all, it�s a tricky game, and quite frankly, I think the computer stacks the deck in favor of its own players. I guess when you look at it like that, I�m not even cheating, technically. I�m just�evening out the playing field! Yeah. That�s it! Those little bastards.
I mean, please! Like, how is it possible that that whore-mongering shitstick Paul can shoot the moon at least once every other game? That isn�t natural! Obviously, the computer is shifting the cards around. Think about it: you don�t even get to see the deal! Maybe the computer is just putting up proxy cards, and then when you get your hand, the computer�s all, �Oh ho! He�s only got the king and ace of spades! We�ll make sure that Michelle has the queen, and then Paul will lead with the two, forcing this guy to play the king, thusly winning the trick and getting stuck with the queen! Ha ha ha haaaa!�
Oh my gosh, that�s totally how it goes! Fuck you, computer! FUCK YOU!
I mean, you guys can totally see why I have to cheat at Hearts, right? I�m not going to let this obsolete hunk of plastic and silicon get the best of me, by cracky! Although it isn�t like I can do anything about the way the cards fall or anything. Basically, whenever the computer fucking cheats, and sticks me with the fucking queen, or makes it so that I have to take a whole bunch of points, I just restart the game. I�m not about to sit around and take that bullshit, you know?
Consequently, I haven�t finished a full game of Hearts in about two weeks, of course, but that�s fine. I�ll just keep doing it that way until they stop cheating, those crusty sphincters. I�ve also changed the settings slightly so that my opponents� names are a little more appropriate. I mean, Michelle, Paul, and David are fine names, but I find that Asshole, Dipshit, and Whoreface work better for me. Hey, I never said I was mature about it. I�ll start acting like a grown-up when they start playing fair, the two-faced cock-knockers.
Oh, also? I am completely filled with horror over a rumor I heard on the radio this morning! It�s almost too much for me to talk about, you guys. Seriously. When you hear this? You guys are going to shit cement. I�m not kidding either, so you might want to take a deep breath or some codeine or something, because you�re about to be filled with so much rage that you might be tempted to hurt someone. Seriously.
Okay. Ben Affleck and J.Lo? Are in talks. To star. In a remake�of Casablanca. No, I�m not making that up. I really, really, really wish I was, people, but I�m not. I actually heard this, and is it not the sickest, most perverse thing you�ve ever heard in your life? Even Crazy Michael Jackson and his scary plastic face don�t strike that much fear into my very heart. I mean, get this: Ben Affleck and fucking J.Lo might be in a remake of Casablanca.
That�s just wrong! I can�t even touch on all the levels of wrongitude that notion encompasses, so I won�t even try. I�ll just point out that Ben Affleck is, like, the polar opposite of Humphrey Bogart, and what�s more than that, he should have his SAG card revoked for what he did to audiences everywhere in Daredevil. And J.Lo as Ingrid Bergman? Why don�t they just shoot me in the head?
Okay, cool. And, sigh.
