So, you know how The Matrix: Reloaded is opening this week? Well, last night I sat down and watched the original so I could be completely caught up on the mythology before going into the sequel. Let me just take this opportunity to say how much ass that movie kicks. That movie kicks so much ass. Wow. And given that I used to live in Chicago, it�s like the whole movie is a shout-out to me, what with it being set in Chicago and all. I mean, the Wachowski brothers totally must have known I was going to move to Chicago, and that�s why they set the movie there! So that�s my connection with it.
Anyway, after it was over and I shut off the DVD player (yeah, I totally have a DVD player -- I�m so New Millenium), I turned to MTV on the off chance that they might be playing a video. Of course they weren�t, but what they were playing was that crappy, crappy exploration into the deficiencies of the human condition known as DisMissed.
Seriously, that might be the worst show out there right now (well, second to Mr. Personality, of course). I mean, I really think DisMissed represents everything I hate about people. For those fortunate enough not to be familiar with this steaming lump of gristly horseshit, allow me to break down the basic premise for you.
Essentially, some pompous a-hole (of either gender) decides that he or she is so fucking desperate for literally fifteen minutes of fame that he or she is willing to go on an exploitative dating show. The producers then choose two people even more desperate for attention to actually compete for the affections of Pompous A-hole. Then, all three of them meet and go on a date. Together. The three of them. Desperate Famewhore #1 will plan the first date and do everything in his or her power to alienate, ostracize, and belittle Desperate Famewhore #2. After this lovely adventure in basic human shortcomings, Famewhore #2 gets to turn the tables and alienate, ostracize, and belittle Famewhore #1. All the while, Pompous A-hole eats it all up and mistakenly believes that all this animosity and vituperation is getting tossed around because the Famewhores are smitten with him or her.
This is not so. These Famewhores would be just as aggressive and immature if they were fighting over Ernest Borgnine, because the point isn�t how much they want to get with Pompous A-hole, but about how much they want to beat the other Famewhore. It�s about winning and looking good on camera, not about an actual date. And Pompous A-hole always, always seems to truly believe these people are just so into him or her that they simply can�t help themselves. And I? Hate every single one of those jerkholes.
I mean, I�m sorry, but I don�t play that game. The show opens when the Famewhores meet, and they always give each other the stink eye, and one of them always opens with some variation on, �So, are you ready to get dismissed?� and the other comes back lamely with, �No, I think you�re getting dismissed.� Like, ooh, burn! Oh, except, not. I think the producers make them say stuff like that, though, because they all do it.
Then Pompous A-hole rolls out, ego at full-mast, and blatantly appraises the Famewhores� physical attributes. Then, Famewhore #1 is all, �Well, for my date, I thought we�d go to [insert completely moronic activity or location here],� and #2 gives the requisite snort and eyeroll, and then they all immediately make with the competitive groping. As if Pompous A-hole is such a prize. Then the Famewhores embark on a fifteen-minute journey to show each other up in every way possible. If #1 removes a piece of clothing, #2 strips to the buff. If #2 makes out with A-hole, #2 puts out for A-hole. If #1 makes some reference to #2�s sluttery, #2 redirects the exact same comment back to #1, acting like this is some moral victory (�Couldn�t you find that top in your size?� �Couldn�t you find that top in your size?� Ooh, burn!).
Then there are the Time Outs. (Times Out?) This is the part where the Famewhores get a little one-on-one with Pompous A-hole, only he or she gets to do it in the bitchiest, most snide way possible. #1 will give a �Time Out card� to #2 and tell him or her to go sit on it for 19 minutes, while Pompous A-hole gets a handjob or a naughty massage or something (because this is the Famewhore�s only chance to use actual sex to win). And while #1 is playing tonsil hockey with Pompous A-hole, #2 will talk to the camera, all, �#1 is so obvious, and it�s really unattractive. A-hole is definitely more into me.� And then when the tables are reversed, #1 says the exact same thing about #2.
Finally, they all get together at the end of the night for more of the same (�Did you enjoy your time out?� �Did you enjoy your time out?�), and Pompous A-hole looks all smug and details what fun the dates were before turning to one of the Famewhores and saying, ��but you are dismissed!� Then the rejected Famewhore always jumps up and says the exact same thing (�Whatever -- you guys are both lame, you deserve each other!�) and then stomps out. Like, if you knew A-hole was so lame, why were you working for this like a car salesman on commission with six children to support?
Anyway, the long and short of it is that this show brings out the absolute worst in people. Like, if you really don�t want to look like a loser on national TV, don�t let yourself get caught up in catty, immature bitchery. Or, and here�s a concept, don�t go on a TV show where the premise is for you to demoralize yourself for some attention-hungry dillhole in the first place. I mean, if I met someone and the first thing they said to me was something like, �So, are you ready to get rejected?� I would laugh in the person�s face and be like, �If we�re about to go on a date the sort of person that wouldn�t be turned off by your contemptible attitude, then yeah, I really am.�
Dude. Isn�t dating demeaning enough already?
