I don�t think I�m going to pay bills anymore. I mean, they�re such a drag. First you have to round them all up and scrape all the food off them, and then you have to get a pen and your little checkbook, and then some stamps (which is, I think, my personal pet peeve about paying bills; you would think that with the amount of money they�re gouging from us, like a hungry kid with an ice cream scoop, they could afford thirty-seven fucking cents for postage), and then sometimes you have to get a calculator, and you sit down at your little table (or wherever -- I�m not saying you have to sit at the table, so don�t email me), and you watch as dollars vaporize from your account, like fat cells from your hips when you�re on that Hollywood Diet.
And I know how satisfying it is to get that monkey called Debt off your back, but when it�s immediately replaced by that male silverback gorilla called Bankruptcy, the feeling becomes a little less pronounced. It�s kind of like stumbling through the desert for a couple of days with no food, only to arrive at an oasis whereat the Sheik of Burundi (or what have you) happens to be having a huge buffet to celebrate the marriage of his only daughter, and you�re all excited, but then it turns out that all they�re serving is broccoli, and it�s like, no thanks, I�d rather just die.
So I think I could live in debt blissfully forever -- provided that, you know, no one named Vito came around to break my kneecaps, or anything. Not that I�m saying guys named Vito are prone to violence, or even that you couldn�t get a job busting kneecaps if your name was Myrtle or Elmer or something (well, okay, probably not Elmer), but I just picked a name out of the air. I really think I could make a pretty good life for myself, completely unfettered by pangs of guilt, if I stopped paying my bills!
I mean, I�d have to convince the government to go along with me on this, of course, because although I might not feel especially guilty about not paying my bills, it�s likely that some of the more doctrinaire administrations of this world could get a little cheesed off and complain about me, or do something foolish like cancel my cable. That would piss me off. Maybe the government could grant me a special dispensation? I mean, the government�s doing all kinds of special things these days -- like making sure I can�t ever get married -- so I�m sure they wouldn�t mind bending the rules a little bit, here, either. Guilt wouldn�t eat at me, to be sure, but the nagging sensation that I was being evicted and all of my belongings were getting repossessed might cause me a little undue stress.
Although, now that we�re on the topic, what about rent? I suppose that I could pay rent, if I absolutely had to. I don�t think I should, though. I mean, I�m nice and I don�t make a whole lot of noise, and I�m really polite to people, provided that they�re not in my way or singing some stupid song or, like, looking at me. I think people, landlords in particular, would be really lucky to have me in their building, and they should just be happy about it! I mean, rent is really expensive -- and I only offer to pay it here, because if I didn�t have to pay my bills at all, I guarantee you they�d be a lot higher than my rent.
So that�s the plan. If anybody knows anyone on the Congressional Board For Special Dispensations For the Cessation Of Bill Payment, please email me.
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