My obeisance to the Food Network to shepherd me into the Thanksgiving holiday spirit every year is well-documented, and so I promise I won�t make this yet another entry about how much I love food and its crazy TV personalities who advocate I fuck up my traditional meal by tossing in unnecessary bullshit to �jazz it up�. Like, what�s WRONG with the Thanksgiving I remember, dude? I liked that Thanksgiving. I don�t need to turn my sweet potatoes into �curried yam souffl� or add, like, macadamia nuts and dried papaya to my cornbread dressing. Thanksgiving isn�t supposed to be �exotic�, so cram it in your stuffing hole, Sara Moulton.
Last night as I was getting into the holiday groove, I caught the most recent incarnation of that nationwide pie contest I reveled in watching two years ago, and when I saw those old ladies rolling up their sleeves and breaking out the homegrown pumpkin and secret family recipes, it really warmed the cockles of my heart. With laughter, as I remembered them getting their asses soundly whooped by that local woman with the Cool Whip. And I even recognized some of the entrants, too, which is what made it all the more perversely sweet when they revealed that Cool Whip Lady was in the running yet again, with not one but TWO crazy pies on the block!
Unfortunately, I did not get to sit around till the end to see who walked home with the blue ribbon and who went home with shattered dreams, an empty pie tin, and a Thanks For Contributing card soaked in bitter tears of self-loathing (because it was super late, y�all, and I fell asleep), but I imagine it must�ve been awesome. I mean, what if Cool Whip Lady won yet again�with some unholy confection made from, like, corn syrup and Velveeta? I can picture the Thelmas gnashing their teeth and rending their garments and poking their own hearts out with their rolling pins. Plus which, it seemed like the contest this year was sponsored, so half of them were shilling for Crisco in their interviews. It�s a real shame that they�ll be going home not only having lost the prize to Crazy Local Woman, but also their souls to corporate husbandry.
One side effect of watching these programs, in whole or in part, is that it really gives you the inclination to start baking. Well, it does for me, anyway. Like, I look at Cool Whip Lady and I think, �Shit, I could do that.� I mean, I can get my hands on some Cool Whip, too, y�all. Seriously, though, in the drive all the way to work, I was trying to come up with my own secret ingredient that would blow all the other entries out of the water, and like, THE COMPETITION IS ALREADY OVER! But damned if I was going to let some kook with processed marshmallow fluff all up in her flaky crust get the best of ME!
Of course, it is quite bold of me to make that claim. Or any other, really. I mean, I�m generally quite capable in the kitchen, but the fact of the matter is that my goals often exceed the scope of my comfort level. Like, I don�t have any one dish that I make really, really well, because I almost never make the same thing twice. In increments I�m improving my cheesecake game, because I make one once a year, but that doesn�t help much in the long run. I make a wicked Dutch apple pie, but I�m not above screwing myself out of that claim, too.
This one time, Scary Religious Girl and I decided to make a whole fleet of apple pies for our loved ones for the holidays, and I managed to break the mixing spoon, cut myself with a paring knife, and get foil in the crust. I tried to pretend that the recipe specifically called for wrapper-enriched dough, but I don�t think anybody was buying it. I mean, they still tasted good, but�I don�t they would�ve won me any prizes, even with Cool Whip.
Here�s hoping this year�s cheesecake doesn�t end in bloodshed.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: �and then I popped� I�m Watching: Reunion is, like, THE worst piece of crap show, and it is SO ADDICTIVE. I�m Missing: Ulrich, because he�s out of town this weekend. [frowny face]