� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time |
|
|
� Putting the "Ass" in "Assassination" �
3:44 p.m., 2005-08-24
So, Pat Robertson, how are you feeling today? Pat: �You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it � it's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop." [*] Say what? Assassination might be kind of severe. Are you�sure you don�t want to rethink that stance?Pat: "I didn't say 'assassination,' � I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping.� [*] Ohhh. Okay, sorry about the misunderstanding! But hey � how about feminism? What does that encourage women to do? Pat: "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." [*] Oh. Um�okay. Killing their children, huh? You don�t think that�s, like, a kind of extreme reaction to, you know, getting the vote? No? Well, I guess you�re the strangely revered fanatical right-wing conservative axe-grinding misogynistic homophobic judgmental hate-filled assassination-requesting-except-oops-not-really pundit, not me. Don�t you listen to the stupid old State Department, who called your remarks �inappropriate�! Good thing your remarks weren�t more radical, or they might have used the word �reprehensible� or even �naughty�!Okay, but for real: is Pat Robertson kidding somebody? How did a complete lunatic get to be�whatever the hell he is? Besides �on TV�, which, let�s face it, we live to put our lunatics on TV. But, like, if someone you knew whipped off their pants and took a shit in the middle of your apartment, you might say something. Something like, �Wbat the fuck is wrong with you?� Why is nobody saying stuff like that to Pat Robertson? Aren�t we concerned about our metaphorical carpeting? Aren�t we at all concerned about how it makes us look when people come visit and we have a big pile of shit in the middle of the room? I need to lie down. Or, possibly, I just need to talk about something else that is puzzling me. Can we speak briefly of vanity plates? Nine times out of ten, vanity plates make no sense to me. Like, they�ll be all consonants, or some other grouping of letters and numbers that make no intelligible sense, and you�re like, �Is that the name of a Polish king?� And then sometimes you can figure out what the words are, but they don�t seem to go together in any understandable fashion. Like, �Turkey Lampshade? What the hell does that mean?� Anyway, I think I really will lie down. Or, as soon as I get home from work. Right now, I�ve got shit to do. Someone Got Here By Searching For: �sex with someone I don�t feel� I�m Watching: Logan�s Run, which is sort of anachronistically hilarious, as you might expect. I�m Reading: E-mails from a boy. [blush] A Year Ago, I Said:
We won�t talk about somersaults and twists, either, because there are probably several technical and artistic deductions for vomiting in the middle of your dive.
Height of Absurdity
8-25-2004
� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.
|
|
|
|
|
|