Well, you knew it was coming. I mean, aside from the occasional tangental freak-out, my entries have been relatively rant-free. Hey, I said 'relatively'!
Sheesh. Some people! Anyway, I see that Bob and Johan have just finished working on my soap box -- and thanks for going that extra mile, guys, she looks great -- so I'll just push it over here, hop right up on it, and get started.
Ahem
Ooh, wait! I forgot -- tell me you guys watched Alias last night! PROMISE me you watched Alias last night! Was that the craziest shit, or what? Syd and Vaughan! Wine! France! Flirtation! Ready access to a private room! And then the guns. Damn you, Ariana Caine! But then with the money and the trickery and the Philippines? Eeeeee! I mean, we all guessed Emily was alive, but, huh? Wha? Who guessed about that??? Oooh, and who else giggled like a schoolgirl on crank when Jack and Irina had to brainstorm? Was that the sexiest Think Tank ever, or am I losing my mind?
Sorry. We now return to your regularly scheduled diatribe.
Smoking: it is the tool of Beelzebub. I'm not kidding here, yo. I hate everything and anything to do with smoking, which includes the practice and the theory, as well as Big Tobacco (who can kiss my ass) and people having nic fits. And let me tell you why.
First of all, smoking is entirely unpleasant. Pipes are okay, as far as we second-hand smokers are concerned, because they at least have a sweet odor. Cigarettes are just nasty, because it's like sucking on burning newspaper, and cigars are so vile that they make me long for the soothing aroma of warm, rotting skunk. Also, I find it very hard to digest the fact that smoking was (is) ever considered sexy. Mmmm...nicotine stains, discolored teeth, people shooting smoke out of their nostrils? That's hot.
Second of all, smoking is bad for you. No, don't give me that eye-roll and formulaic response so favored by smokers, which goes a little something like this, "Whatever. It's my body, right? So what do you care?" I'll tell you why I care: because when you go around spewing carcinogens into my fresh air supply, I get concerned. I don't have a filter, jackass, so why don't you try thinking of your environment for half a tick. Also, studies have shown that we second-handers actually get the worst of it, so when you smoke around me it shows you have a definite lack of respect or care for me and my well-being.
And let me paint you a little picture from my recent past: I get up at an unforgiving hour of the morning in order to drag myself to class. The only thing that makes this at all worthwhile is the brisk and pleasant walk across campus, past the gardens. Then, of course, I get stuck behind someone puffing away like a chimney (Mmmm...sexy!), and I spend the rest of the morning coughing and wheezing and hating the world.
Also, I have had a problem with cigarettes for a long time, which has gotten worse in recent years. I think the reason for that is that they tried to kill my mother. Three times. Thanks very much, but I'd really rather not get another version of The Phone Call (you know, the one that starts, "I think you should get down to the hospital right away...") in regards to my mother's health.
Tobacco Exec: Lady, you've smoked for forty years, and thanks to your decades-long devotion to Big Tobacco, we'd like to show our appreciation. We'd like to give you a little gift, just to show how much we value your patronage. Tell her what she's won, Lisa!Lisa: Well, Biff, she's going to get a brand new tumor! That's right, the latest model. And it's going to grow right in your uterine wall! Good thing you weren't planning on having any more children! I hope.
Tobacco Exec: Ooh! What a great prize!
Lisa: And that's not all, Biff! She'll get a second tumor, too, this one on her kidney! But don't worry, you've got two of those. For now.
Tobacco Exec: And just wait till you hear what else! After you get your kidney removed, we'll give you heart disease. That's right -- what do you give the woman who has everything? Occluded arteries and a stunted life expectancy!
Lisa: And here's the best part...are you ready? When you have your chest sawed open so they can perform the bypass surgery on your aorta, we'll also give you ARDS, which, thanks to the compromised integrity of your smokers' lungs, will come within a hair's breadth of killing you! Your children will cry! Your siblings will be devastated! You'll be hooked up to a respirator and plugged full of tubes and needles while the doctors prognosticate to your children about your imminent death! Hooray!
the crowd goes wild
And have you ever noticed how really, really defensive smokers get about their habit? Heaven forbid you should cough or even politely request they not indulge in your presence! You'll get dirty, dirty looks. I worked with this guy in Chicago who smoked like there was no tomorrow, and he used to complain bitterly about no-smoking laws. He seriously tried to use this argument: "All this separating smokers and non-smokers is just another form of segregation!"
I thought he was kidding at first. I mean, seriously, huh? Wha? 'Segregation'? How about this: maybe I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Maybe I just really like fresh air. Maybe, just maybe, smoking is one of your pleasures, one to which the rest of the world need not necessarily be subjected. Maybe, just as I owe you the common courtesy of not ripping that foul, poisonous, deadly, noxious deathstick out of your lips and stomping it into the pavement, you owe me the common courtesy of allowing me to not smoke.
Now, despite my feelings, I rarely say these things to the smokers I know, because I don't want them to confuse my rage against cigarettes with feelings of anger towards them. I know more than a few smokers, and I love and respect more than a few smokers. Hell, I even dated one, once (although, never again, for what it's worth). I just feel very passionately about it given what happened to my mother, and to watch Big Tobacco take the stand and claim that studies on the health-related issues are 'inconclusive' sends me into a fit of Carrie-style pique. I want the world to know what a damnable bunch of fuckwads those people are, and to understand that smoking does irreperable damage to your exterior as well as your interior.
If you're smoking, I implore you to quit now and enjoy the years that will not be taken off your life. Enjoy fresh air, undiminished lung capacity, a free flowing circulatory system, the benefits of having two kidneys, and the knowledge that your hands, skin, and teeth will not become yellowed or leathery. If you're not smoking, keep up the good work! I love my fellow man, but I hate cigarettes.