So, a couple things are on today's agenda, y'all. First of all, what's with the weather today? I don't know about all you guys, but where I am, it's rainy, gray, rainy, wet, dismal, rainy, and downright chilly. And I'm in LA! What's up with that? I'm going to have to snorkel to my car after I finally get out of here tonight. Fuck you, El Ni�o!
Second item of business: what's with people stealing my pens? For real, you guys, get your own pens. They're, like, six for a dollar or something like that over at Staples, so go buy a pack and quit ganking mine whenever my back is turned! First my good blue pen vanished, then my mediocre black pen, then my other mediocre black pen, then my decent red pen, then my crappy red pen, and now all I've got is a dried-out orange magic marker, a broken pencil, and a highlighter. I hope you guys like getting your phone messages written in blood!!!
And speaking of messages written in blood, let's move on to item #3; now, I know that last week I directed you guy's to Jessica's opinion on Alias, and indicated that I would be letting it go at that, but I'm afraid I can't. After last night's episode kicked my ass all around my apartment for the better part of an hour, I just can't.
So listen: check. Out. Alias. I haven't asked you guys for any favors before, but I'm asking now. Give Alias a chance! Trust me on this one. There's a lot of crap TV out there, and you would all do very well to find a show as thrilling, complex, well-written, -directed, -acted, -everything-elsed as this show is. It is brilliant, intense, heartfelt, and exciting. Well, except for that stuff with Francie, but she's only on for, like, two minutes every week. Now I will endeavor to answer your (possible) arguments, in manner of Jessica.
1. But I watch The Sopranos!
Fuck The Sopranos. Do you get to see James Gandolfini in a skin-tight, blue rubber dress, kicking people in the face every week? No, and for good reason. Does Carmela Soprano speak twelve different languages? Not even close -- sometimes I'm not even sure she speaks English. Does the cast of The Sopranos boast multiple Oscar nominees like Lena Olin, or Oscar winners like Faye Dunaway? Cuz Alias sure as hell does.
2. What about that other show I watch?
That other show is crap! Unless it's Angel. But that's why you have a VCR. You do have a VCR, don't you? Because if you don't, I'm calling the cops.
3. It's too complex for me! Wahhhh! I'm a big baby!
What's wrong with complex? I would much prefer a show that comes with a detailed storyline rather than a lukewarm clone of The Practice, for Pete's sake. Give me something to hang my hat on from week to week. Come on! If you don't watch this, they'll pull it and put The NEW New Gong Show in its place, or some crap like that, and you'll be begging for Alias to come back.
4. I watched it that once, but that Marshall guy really bugged the shit out of me.
Yeah, well, me too, my friend. Fortunately, he's not around that much (except, admittedly, for last night, but he was really bearable! Really!) and you can totally overlook that one minor shortcoming. In fact, he kinda grows on you after a while. And some people even like him. I don't understand any of these people, but they're out there.
5. It's too late for me to start watching now. I'll never get it.
Well, not with that attitude you won't. Just do me this small favor: watch three episodes of Alias when it comes back after its Christmas break. Three little episodes, three short weeks. If you are not sitting on the edge of your seat and chewing off your cuticles, feel free to write me and yell at me, but I promise you will feel the love.
And speaking of love, this show is rife with awkward triangles, forbidden lust, and unrequited desire, and that's just between Sydney and Vaughan. You want a crazy dysfunctional love-hate relationship, try Jack and Irina on for size. You like "you only hurt the ones you love"? I got your Sloane and Emily right here. Hell, I got Sloane and Emily, Sloane and Syd, Sloane and Jack, Jack and Syd, Jack and Irina, Syd and Irina, and more where that came from. You like smoldering sparks of inappropriate chemistry? Try Syd and Sark. Heh.
Most importantly, I know a lot of you guys are 24 fans, so I know you're no strangers to ambiguous looks/behavior, in-depth stories, and heavy continuity. For you all, Jack and Irina are the Jack and Nina of Alias. And Lena Olin acts the shit out of that part. Every week I think I've got her pinned down -- after last week, when she saved Jack and Syd from certain death, I was sure she was good -- and then something small will happen and I'll swing immediately in the other direction -- last night's episode opened with her grabbing a fly out of the air, and the look in her eyes was so Mother Bates from Psycho that I almost wet my pants with fear. Then, all of a sudden, she's hugging Syd on the rooftop and sobbing and I'm all choked up and going, "SHE ONLY WANTS TO BE LOVED!" Hmmm...maybe I need help. Anyway, be a pal and watch the show, okay?
And this concludes our regularly scheduled programming. I haven't got anything else to share right now, people. Just know that whoever watches Alias or sends me a pen first, gets mentioned in a future entry. Don't everybody rush at once.